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It’s been a corker of a day. It started last night when Junior jumped up on my desk, meowed, attempted to scratch his ear, shook his head, hissed, and then sat there and growled for several minutes. It kills me, inside. There was nothing I could do to help his ear. I couldn’t even pet him because it just aggravated him to growling more. Weirdly, he doesn’t growl at me, he just growls. 
After a while he jumped down and then went to sleep on top of the couch. I tried to go to sleep, but I couldn’t. Normally he comes over and lays down next to me until I fall asleep. Last night he didn’t. I couldn’t sleep very well and got up every couple of hours to look over at him to make sure he was ok. I guess he got tired of that after a while because when I lay down again he came over, jumped on the bed, walked over me, and then took a nap on my office chair. 
So I made an appointment with his vet. I like her, but Junior is a little cool on her these days. Just the same, I took him. She looked at him with garnered a lot more hisses, growls, and even trying to scratch her. This is new. Normally he’s so laid back it’s amazing. Anyway, she referred me to a specialist so I took Junior back home. He promptly went to sleep on top of the couch. I also made a new appointment with this specialist dermatologist. 
Normally I would never, ever, schedule two visits to vets this close together but this is just tearing me up inside. I don’t know if Junior is in pain or if it’s like having a cork jammed in his ear and is frustrastingly irritating but I can’t deal with looking and acting like he’s going mad. 
So I brought him to the new vet. These people are also exceptionallly nice (usually he goes to Hometown Animal Care  the new place is Central Texas Veterinary Specialty Hospital) . I like to watch how people act inside to get a general feeling for how happy people are the services. The other people there seemed very cheerful and happy to chat with the staff so I take that as a pretty good sign of how they operate.
We meet the vet and she seems very nice. She doesn’t think bringing him to a vet twice in one day is a good idea (I agree) so I take that as a good sign, also. Anyways, she thinks it’s a food allergy so I have to give him food different than anything he’s eaten before. This means expensive canned food.
There are some problems. First, he loves his snacks but he can’t have any for the next ten weeks or so. Second, no more dry food. Third, and worst, the new canned food is a ‘paté’ and Junior does not eat paté. Does not. I got away with it tonight, and probably will tomorrow, because I mix it with his old food for a while first. Eventually, though, I’m going to have issues there.
So, this new food is venison. I don’t eat venison. If the venison doesn’t lessen the symptoms then he goes on to rabbit, then duck, goat, and ostrich. Honest to God, if I were him I’d complain about things being terrible all the time just to get the good eats.
Anyway, I got a nice write up about the probable problem, what the solution is, how it all works, some ear medicine, ear wash, canned venison paté and a good feeling.
While Junior is eating like a medieval lord, I am making due. It’s been a long day so I wasn’t hungry when I got home so I didn’t bother making the pork chops I set aside. You know, it would take pulling out the frying pan and cooking something and who needs that, right?
I took out the canned ham I bought. When I have too much time on my hands I tend to follow threads that lead me nowhere. The other day I started thinking about those canned hams that came in the big tins and had a ‘key’ that you used to open the can. Open it, and you see a bunch of gelatin (like ham flavored Jell-O) and a ham. 
I remember the ham being… a ham. Like the boiled hams, only in a funny shape. I looked it up online and I see some people saying they’re like I remember, and others saying they’re more like SPAM. So I picked up a small, cheap, can.
I opened the can tonight and I see a funny shaped SPAM type thing. The meat is cooked, but it’s fragile and can fall apart. It feels like SPAM. I decide I can’t eat it without it being warmed up first.
Irony filled the kitchen as I took out the frying pan. I prep the bread. I cut off some slices of my canned ham and toss them in the pan. It turns out, this stuff doesn’t fry well. It sticks to the pan regardless of what I put in (oil, butter, non-stick spray) to lube it up and it starts falling apart in shreds when I try and pry it off the bottom of the pan. Eventually I end up with a shredded SPAM-like sandwich. 
In a fit of bad judgement, and I’m not even drunk, I decide to toast my sandwich.
Now, I’m kind of an intelligent guy. All kinds of people say I’m an intelligent guy. Some people even call me smart, but I’m not smart. To use an automobile metaphor, I’ve got a lot of horsepower but I’m lacking a lot of torque. There are times when I’m so dense, I make a neutron star look like cotton candy.
You see, I try and toast up sandwiches like the pros do. I take a slab of butter and spread it over the bread and then put it on the pan. Except when I’m spreading the butter, it tears up the bread and I end up with lumps of butter and lumps of bread and it just turns into a mess. That’s because, despite some 36 years of being aquianted with the kitchen, it never occured to me that I should leave the butter out and let it soften. Never. Not once. Not until I read an article on why you shouldn’t refrigerate your butter.
Anyway, I butter my bread (correctly) and toast it, but since I’ve already lubed up the pan to try and keep the faux ham from sticking it turns into a giant, greasy, hammy mess. I know you’re waiting for me to say “And it was glorious!” but it wasn’t. It was about as far from glorious as one can get. The only good side is that anything inside me now should have no problems sliding out later.
That was my day. I am tired.