, , , , , , ,

I have time, although it doesn’t always feel like it. As I’ve said before, time is like matter: it looks pretty solid but there’s really a lot of empty space in there.

Reading is one of my favorite things. I used to read all the time, especially when I was taking the train into Manhattan and back. That was a good four hours a day (or ten, on some days) of reading. I would even start two or three books at once and rotate through them. The only downside was having to bring three or four books with me.

I didn’t like carrying a bag or backpack at the time so I ended up squeezing a paperback into jeans pocket. During the winter when I had the Big Black Coat I could stash a few books in the various pockets.

Still, even when I was home, I would find time to read.

I don’t do that anymore. I have a Nook with a few books on it that I haven’t finished. I have the Kindle reader on my phone with books on it that I haven’t finished. I’ve bought several paper books that are scattered across the apartment that I haven’t even started.

And there are other things I would like to do, like write a website to take over my blogging duties. Or finish a game. Or continue work on paring down all the stuff I don’t need in my tiny apartment. Or go for a drive in the country.

It’s a problem with choices and time management. It’s something that has gotten worse with having more spare time. That doesn’t seem very logical, but it goes like this:

I have, say, three things I would like to do: read a book, work on a software project, do apartment clean up stuff. I think about which one I would like to do most. Then I realize that I should do the thing I actually should be doing. Then I rationalize it all to myself. For instance, I could clean the apartment, but I never have any visitors so what’s the point, really? I could work on the new website but then I would have to spend time learning something else which would mean not much work would get done on it. I could read a book, but that seems kind of like a waste of time that I could be using to clean the apartment.

Eventually I go around and around until my brain finally breaks and I end up firing up Civilization V, just to play for a few minutes to clear my head. Of course, with Civ  5, once you’ve finished playing for five minutes you find out that it’s now next Tuesday. The whole day is shot, it’s time for bed, and I feel bad for not getting anything accomplished (other than crushing an annoying city-state).

It seems that if I have too many choices my brain just implodes and I’m incapable of doing any one of them. That, in turn, makes me feel guilty. Then I feel guilty for feeling guilty. After all, if I want to do nothing but sleep all day then I should be entitled to do just that. But I never see it that way.

Most of the time I feel as though 90% of my life has been wasted time. Seeing as how my time is running out (don’t panic, it’s the same for all of us) I get all itchy that I may not get to do things that I want to do on account of not having enough time. “What kind of things do you want to do?” I don’t know. What do you want to do?