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To Whom It May Concern,

I have decided that when I become fantastically wealthy I am going to spend the money to move my downstairs neighbors to live somewhere on the equator. I just don’t think it’s hot enough here for them. It’s 70°F outside right now and somewhere around 90°F inside. It seems that the cooler it gets outside, the hotter it gets inside and the only way this makes sense is if all my neighbors below me are cranking up the heat. I’m not joking. During the winter I run my air conditioner because it just gets way too hot up here. Maybe I can just send them off to the sun?

Some people may wonder why I bother with a water fountain with a filter. It’s because I live with hard water. When I turn on the tap what I get is a stream of slightly damp rocks. The place doesn’t need a water softener as much as it needs an assembly line of hammers. My bathroom fixtures used to be chrome but now they’re a dull white and feel craggy. To get them back to their former shine I’ll need a power sander. It’s because of this I wanted filters for Junior’s water. Even with the filter, though, the first time I cleaned it out it already had a waterline of white hard stuff on the side. I tried to clean it off. I tried to scrape it off. It’s on there, but good. So I no longer give him tap water. I buy bottled water for him and the birds.

So, if I’m using bottled water why do I need filters? I don’t know what Junior does, but his water dish is pretty gross after a day. There’s all sorts of bits of stuff floating in there. The area around his food dish gets kind of gross, too. To be fair, if I had to eat by shoving my face in a bowl I don’t think I would do much better than he does. The poor guy has kind of a flat face.

It’s not uncommon to have computers with processors that run up to around the 3 gigahertz range. Or ‘gigglehertz’ if you want to be nauseatingly cute and pretend Rainbow Brite lives in your box. The funny thing is starting up a computer these days can take forever. All the hardware has to initialize, the drives have to be found, then the operating system has to load up. Then all the other crap has to be done when you log in (hopefully you’re up to the point where you have a computer you have to login to). Back in the days of the megahertz machines it took about 2½ seconds. Longer if you had a floppy drive attached, except in the case of the Commodore 64 which penalized you, instead, by having the slowest floppy drive known to mankind.

I remember being in middle and high school. I was interested in computers back then, in the days of the CBM PETs, Atari 400/800, Apple ][, VIC-20, and C64s. People were kind of mean to me, on account of being a ‘nerd’. And those people who thought it was ‘faggy’ back then are re-posting status’ on Facebook now. How everything changes…

I’m on day 11 of writing these blogs. I have to say, getting up to 500 words is damn easy these days. I mean, I think 500 words is pretty good for a blog entry about, essentially, nothing. A couple have topped over 1,000 words, I think. I’ve taken my week off, though. Got nothing much accomplished, which I think I really needed. It’s time to start getting busy, though. I can’t stay unemployed forever because I have to help the economy recover by buying stuff. I must do my part.

I’m still stuck on the creative writing side, though. One story needs a re-write and the ‘sequel’ needs to be written. I have a tough time with re-writes. If I can get it done maybe I can submit it somewhere for something.

I see Newegg is still sending me coupon codes for things on my wishlist. And putting things on sale. It’s getting to the point where I’m going to have to spend the money because it wouldn’t make sense not to.

Some people like to gauge how advanced a civilization is by their accomplishments. For instance, if a civilization is able to build a Dyson sphere (or net or ring or whatever) then it would be a very advanced civilization, indeed. Probably advanced enough to not need a Dyson construct.

I prefer to gauge a civilization on what it’s able to do while sitting on the toilet. Back in the olden times, before paper was invented, the best you could do while doing your business was try not to get eaten in a surprising manner. The advent of paper gave us the ability to read on the throne. That’s how things stayed until, I guess, the 60s when transistor radios could let you listen to music and read at the same time. You could probably run a line long enough to let you use the phone, if you really wanted to do that. When television sets got small enough you could drag one of those into your bathroom, but it was kind of a hassle. The Nintendo Game Boy came into existence and let us play portable games on a stationary pot.

But now, now the sky is the limit. If you have a smart phone or a laptop there’s not much you can’t do while sitting on the commode. Reading material, telephone, texting, games, streaming movies and television… Truly, we live in the future. Today.

Speaking of Dyson spheres, I watched the episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation which had James Doohan reprise his role as Scotty. If you haven’t seen the episode, well, spoiler alerts ahead. Anyway, if you haven’t seen it, Scotty’s been stuck in a transporter pattern buffer for some 70 odd years. The crew of the Enterprise get him unstuck from it. They have adventures and Scotty annoys everyone with his old stories and wanting to help, even though his work experience is a bit dated. At the end of the episode he says something to Geordi about buying him a drink. I assume, then, that they were on the way to “10 Forward” where the bar is. Geordi responds back that he has a better idea and detours themselves to the shuttle bay. The rest of the important crew is there standing by a shuttle. Then everyone says goodbye to Scotty, puts him on the shuttle and sends him off.

I remember when I saw the episode the first time and on another, later, viewing it still strikes me as incredibly rude. I mean, the guy was heading to the bar for a drink and the rest of the crew, with no preamble, shoves the guy off the ship. They didn’t even ask him if he wanted to go. They didn’t even say anything like, “Hey, here’s a shuttle. Let’s have dinner and you can leave whenever.” No, they forcibly ejected the poor bastard so he could fly himself to a retirement planet. I get the feeling I’m the only person who really noticed that.

I’ve done a whole lot of nothing today so I can’t think of anything to add here. Perhaps tomorrow will be a more interesting day.

I write like
Cory Doctorow

I Write Like by Mémoires, journal software. Analyze your writing!