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Diary dear,

Last night as I was lying in bed trying to sleep I had thought of something really funny to write. When I woke up I had forgotten what it was. That’s the way it goes, sometimes.

I think for breakfast I will make an omelet. Then I can eat while watching the rest of Kull The Conqueror, which is one of the worst movies I’ve seen in my lifetime. It’s a shame that no one can really make a good Robert E. Howard movie. I suppose Conan was not too bad. Solomon Kane, surprisingly, was pretty good even though it didn’t follow the story line very well. One of the big problems with Kull is Kevin Sorbo. He was a bad choice to begin with and the rest of the cast just got worse from there. Frankly, the movie is just a piss poor, SyFy channel level, made for TV movie that somehow made it to the big screen. When someone can tell me what the point is of adapting a violent sword & sorcery film to a non-violent comedy I’ll be happy to listen. While I’m thinking about it, if you’re going to have gratuitous nudity in your movie then you may as well show it.

I’ve been a fan of Robert E. Howard’s stories since I was a kid. This doesn’t explain why I’ve never been to the Robert E. Howard Museum in Cross Plains, TX, though, since I’m only three hours away from the place. My favorite Robert E. Howard character is not Conan, though; it’s Solomon Kane. An anti-hero who gets relatively no love, but more than Bran Mak Morn.

The sword & sorcery never got a lot of attention from Hollywood, though. The Lord of the Rings and Conan are probably the best examples with the others, mostly from the 1980s, being low budget flicks. Of course, there’s also Dragonslayer from Disney. I’d mention Krull but it was pretty bad and I’m not sure it really fits into the sword & sorcery category. I liked it as a kid, though, which doesn’t say much for the movie tastes of a  fifteen year old. Clash of the Titans was also pretty bad but it still managed to be better than the 2010 remake.

I’m guessing the world will never see an Elric movie. Part of me thinks this is sad, since Elric is one of the best tragic anti-heroes ever written. The rational part of me, however, thinks it’s for the best since Hollywood will turn it into a PG-13 laugh-a-thon.

I’m happy to report that my apartment is now burglar proof. At least the front door is. It sticks so badly that it’s nearly impossible for me to open the door from the inside without tearing the doorknob out of the door. To get in from the outside I have to use my shoulder and hefty weight as a battering ram. Despite this, there’s a large gap on top of the door where I can see how bright the day is. Once again I’ll have to call maintenance and then they’ll probably just “adjust” it.

Junior is funny about his water. He, like other cats, prefers either water that is stagnant and green when he’s outside but clear and running when he’s inside. So I bought a water fountain for him a while back. It’s been working pretty well. I ordered additional filters for the thing. I was expecting three filters, what I got was three packs of three, or nine for the math impaired. So I unplugged the fountain, cleaned the whole bowl assembly thoroughly, changed the filter, put it all back together, plugged it back in (like I had done numerous times before, except for the filter part) and watched as the fountain part did nothing.

So I checked the plug, then took the whole thing apart again, made sure water could flow through the motor freely and couldn’t figure out why it wasn’t working. I risked my life to plug the motor back in to see if it would work with the wire in different positions. Even though I could hear the motor running and feel it vibrate it refused to push water. This totally pisses me off, especially since it was working when I unplugged it.

You see, my friends (and I hope I can call you a friend), it’s the little things that bug the bejeezus out of me. Big things? I can handle those. I stay calm, collected, rational and cool. If something small happens, like a knob falls off a drawer? Then I go off the hook. Not at first. At first it’s no big deal. But things don’t work that way. It’ll be one small thing, then another small thing, and then a bunch of small things. Then that drives me insane.

Well, it’s nearly 9pm and I can’t think of anything else to put down. It’s been a long, slow Sunday and now it’s just about over. It’s time to find out who I write like this time and then post it up.

I write like
Raymond Chandler

I Write Like by Mémoires, journal software. Analyze your writing!