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I bought a bathroom scale a week or so back.  Despite being inexpensive it looks kind of like a work of art.  So much so, that I didn’t even want to step on it.  But I did.  Ten minutes after that I decided it was time that I got serious about losing weight.

The first thing I decided on seemed to be the most obvious “first step.”  I went through the pantry and fridge and looked for the most fattening foods.  Then I ate them.  Because, you know, you shouldn’t waste food.  There are, I hear, starving children in Indiana (or maybe it’s India) who would love to have sugar-rich fattening foods so it’s better to eat it all up rather than send it to them. 

After that was polished off I put some thought into things that I should be eating.  More vegetables, more fruits, less donuts and the like.  Maybe leaning more towards the Atkins diet and eating nothing but meat.  Either way I looked at it meant that I would need to do more cooking.  Eating less pre-packaged and frozen foods.  Which is disappointing because I just got a microwave so I could eat more of those things.  I’m still on the fence with this one.  I could get Weight Watchers frozen dinners, I guess.  It would be uncomfortable for me to go through the checkout line with those things, though, because they’re all marketed towards women than men.  Not only that, but I just know that the check out person will be thinking, “Yep, another fatso trying to lose weight.  You need to exercise more, you fatty!”

And you know, that ass of a check out person would be right.  In my previous jobs I did get exercise.  I had to move throughout the buildings, hauling monitors and computers and crap.  I never used a dolly if I could help it because I was too lazy to get one so I would hump this stuff on my shoulders.  I also used the stairs a lot.  The point is, I walked a lot; sometimes all day long.  Now, I spend my time on my ass all day.  I don’t have to walk anywhere.  I can’t even do my job standing up. 

I have some options open to me.  Right after getting that scale I went to a park and walked around it twice.  This clocked up about two miles.  But it was hot.  And I was attacked by geese.  What would have happened if I had walked around the park and then collapsed of heat exhaustion?  And then gang-pecked by a horde of geese?  Why, I ‘d be hospitalized.  Confined to a bed.  I wouldn’t be getting any exercise that way! 

I could also use the pool in my apartment complex.  I love swimming.  It would be great.  Lately I’ve been waking up at 3am, for some reason.  If I got up at 3am I could jump into the pool for an hour or two and still have time to get to work on time.  Good exercise doing what I love.  Except that the pool is open from 10am to 10pm.  Since I’m fat, I don’t really want to be half-naked in front of a bunch of people.  I certainly don’t want to scare the children who will think that a blue whale has come home to roost.  Come to think of it, I don’t really want to be in a pool that’s chock full of people because then I won’t be able to swim.  I’ll be staying in one place trying not to be jostled by people packed in the water like sardines in a can.

Walking around the apartments is an option.  The problem with walking around the apartments is that walking, in general, is boring.  Unless you’re with someone and can carry on a conversation between the huffs and puffs or have something to look at, like trees or waterfalls or cliffs or mountains, then walking is boring.  There is a large open field behind the complex.  I’ve thought about walking over there with the camera and taking pictures, but it’s a big empty field.  And there’s a really high fence.  I wouldn’t be able to take a picture without it looking like I was in prison.

What’s left?  An exercise machine.  I fired up the web browser and started looking at elliptical machines.  I don’t know what they are, besides a short treadmill, but they seemed trendy.  The costs were acceptable.  For comparison, I looked at the treadmills.  Costs here were also acceptable.  I also looked at some exercise bikes.  It looked like I had three viable alternatives to a device I can use in my home and not have people look at me like I’m a fat person trying to lose weight.  I wouldn’t have to look at an ugly building, either.  I could watch TV, or read a book without worrying about walking into a speeding car.

I went back to the ellipticals to decide which one I wanted.  That’s when I noticed something troubling.  I went and double-checked the treadmills and bikes.

They had weight limits.  I was over the weight limits.

Well, shit.  If I was at the weight limit I wouldn’t have a problem going shirtless at the pool.  Hell, I wouldn’t really have to exercise at all.

I had visions of having an elliptical machine in my living room, stepping on the pedals for the first time and having both pedals snap off and leave me standing on the floor. 

I wondered what would happen if I were seriously obese.  Like those people who can’t walk more than halfway down the snack aisle in the grocery store without having to stop to open a Twinkie and “get their energy up.”  The people who ride around on those electric scooter things, belly flab sweeping the floor, front cart full of cookies, potato chips and Diet Coke.  I certainly don’t want to get to the point where if I try and walk I’ll blow out my kneecaps and collapse my shins.

So I’ve shifted my focus to a recumbent bike.   Which is the recliner of exercise bikes.  They have weight limits, too, but what’s the worst that could happen?  The seat falls off?  I least I wouldn’t have far to fall.

The only problem I’m seeing is that none come with a tray to hold my potato chips, dip, Dr Pepper and ashtray.

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